Women Against Abuse

My story is one of overcoming, self discovery, and redefining the warrior within. Some might say that I don’t fit the mold of a victim of domestic violence, since I am a trained Professional Fighter. But I am here to tell you that Domestic Abuse does not discriminate. It CAN and DOES affect all walks of life.

For six and a half years, I endured extreme emotional, mental, physical, and even financial abuse at the hands of my ex-partner. I was completely isolated, broken, and defeated. It wasn't only my life that was in jeopardy, but also that of my daughter. She depended on me for her safety, happiness, and security. So, I became a master at masking the hell I was living in and created a double life. I concealed my pain with a brave face as if everything was perfectly fine. But the truth was, I was suffering immensely. And as my pretend world began to crumble, I did too.

I was afraid to tell anyone what was happening in my home – afraid that no one would believe me, especially since we both had high profile roles in the Martial Arts Community. With my family in another state and no friends, I was alone, without anyone to turn to.

It takes a lot of courage to face your fears and accept where you are, especially when you’re experiencing trauma on an almost daily basis. I had to decide whether to leave and live, or to stay and succumb to the consequences.

Some people might think that being physically abused while pregnant would be reason enough to leave; or being told that I was fat, stupid, and would never amount to anything. I was being isolated like a prisoner, and mentally tortured on a daily basis. He controlled my physical appearance, where I went, who I spoke to, and even my thoughts! He broke my spirit down to the point that I gave up my own dreams and aspirations.

I tried to leave, but I had no possessions, food, shelter or basic necessities. My daughter and I walked the streets of Center City with a bag of clothes and a few of her favorite toys stacked on top of her stroller.

Without a plan and uncertain where we would spend the night, I experienced what homelessness and HOPELESSNESS felt like. I felt a profound sense of defeat. I thought I had failed my daughter.

One night, when I went back to our apartment for more clothes, he attacked me. I barely escaped, and ran to the nearest police station with my daughter. But the police ended up arresting ME when my ex falsely claimed that HE was being abused! I was released later that day, but my worst fear had come true – my ex had our daughter. I spent an agonizing 10 days apart from my baby, while waiting for our custody hearing.

I was terrified that something would happen to her. We shared custody for four frustrating and fear-filled years, until my ex’s true side finally revealed itself to the judge.

From the moment I fled, I learned about Women Against Abuse. I called the Hotline several times a day in an effort to secure a bed at one of their Safe Havens. I used every single resource that was given to me, including the Legal Center. I quickly realized that NONE of it was going to come easy, nor was anyone going to save me. I learned that I had to be relentless in my pursuit of safety, shelter, and support. I refused to take NO for an answer. And, eventually, my persistence paid off.

As I walked through the doors of the safe haven, I finally felt like I could let my guard down. In a single moment, years and years of abuse came crashing off my shoulders, and I felt a weight had lifted, which then gave birth to a new outlook. This was my chance to take my life back.

While at the Safe Haven, I learned the prerequisite for beginning again was forgiveness. I had to completely strip myself of any and all negativity. His way of still controlling me lied in the bitterness, resentment, and blame that I harbored inside. I finally let it go.

I was NOT a victim. I had SURVIVED.

I took responsibility for my life and my daughter's in that moment. It wasn't our fault that we were in this position, but it was my duty to carry on. By taking my power back, I completely changed the trajectory of our lives. I discovered self-love. I learned to accept my WHOLE self, imperfections and all. I no longer felt ashamed and unworthy. I was bound and determined to be the mother that my daughter deserved, and finally break the cycle of Domestic Abuse. Everything he said I couldn’t do, I went on to achieve – and more!

I didn’t know it at the time, but I was being shaped and molded into a powerful force. I went from being homeless, broken, insecure, and defeated; to a driven and confident advocate, coach, speaker, and influencer. My voice has been heard on every platform, from Seventeen Magazine, to The University of Pennsylvania, all the way to the State Capitol. I even went on to win my first World Title along the way!

Today, I’m grateful to be in a healthy relationship with a wonderful partner. Looking back, I can see now that our hardships are designed to make us stronger. Each of us has the ability to bounce back, but we have to be willing to work for it. To say "NO," and take a stand, even at the highest stakes. The moment we let our circumstances define us, will almost certainly be the thing that keeps us suffering. So, let your experiences be used to fuel a mission of awareness, empathy, and – most importantly – to spread love.

In closing, I have a quote that means a lot to me, and I would like to gift it to all of you:

"Once in a while, take the time to encourage yourself. Remind yourself that life is a process of weathering and rebuilding. Be kind to yourself as you heal and learn. There is purpose in your journey. There is light in your heart. There is a future waiting for you. Remember that, and trust."