Why It's So Difficult to Leave
All too often the question “Why do people stay in abusive relationships?” is posed to survivors, implying that they are to blame for the abuse. We'd like to reframe this to instead ask: “How did the person causing harm prevent their partner from leaving?” or “Why do perpetrators of abuse hurt the person they claim to love?”
There are serious factors that weigh on the survivor’s decision to leave:
Leaving can be dangerous
Many people experiencing intimate partner violence realistically fear that their abusive partners’ actions will become more violent and even lethal if they attempt to leave. The abuser may have threatened to kill them or hurt their child, family member or pet if they leave.
What about the kids?
Many survivors are not sure that leaving would be the best for their children (especially if the children are not being abused directly.) Concerns may include: Will my partner win custody of the children? How will I support my kids without my partner’s income? I want my children to have two parents.
Isolation
The survivor's friends and family may not know about the abuse, or may not support their leaving; or the survivor may have no one to turn to, since isolation is a key dynamic of intimate partner violence.
Cycle of Violence and Hope for Change
Most abusive partners exhibit a behavioral pattern that has been described as a cycle of violence. The cycle of violence has three phases: the honeymoon phase (when everything in the relationship seems lovely), tension building, and violent incident. Many abusive partners become remorseful after inflicting violence, and promise that they will change (beginning the honeymoon phase again). This cycle makes it difficult to break free from an abusive partner.
Lack of Resources
The survivor may not have their own source of income due to financial abuse, or may not have access to alternate housing, cash or bank accounts.
Institutional Responses
Institutional barriers can make it difficult for victims of domestic violence to seek help or safely leave an abusive relationship.
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Clergy and counselors — Both faith-based and secular counselors may focus on preserving a relationship, without recognizing the danger that traditional couples counseling can pose in abusive situations.
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Housing — A shortage of safe, affordable housing options can trap survivors in unsafe environments or force them to choose between homelessness and abuse.
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System limitations — Many systems are not designed with survivors in mind. They may overlook warning signs of abuse, lack trauma-informed training, or fail to prioritize the unique safety needs of those experiencing intimate partner violence.
Social Barriers
Social and cultural pressures can also prevent survivors from leaving abusive relationships.
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Marriage and cultural expectations — Some survivors may not see divorce or separation as acceptable because of their cultural or religious background, creating additional pressure to stay in the relationship.
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Family roles — Many survivors have been socialized to believe they are responsible for maintaining the relationship or keeping the family together, even at the expense of their own safety.
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Disability — Survivors with physical disabilities may face additional risks and barriers, particularly when they depend on their partner, family member, or caregiver for daily support.
Remember, leaving is a process.
Survivors may leave and return several times before permanently separating from their abusive partner. Women Against Abuse is here for every step of the journey to safety!
